Making a hard decision

So this year after our loss and we had run all the tests that my obgyn wanted to run to find out the cause of why I kept miscarrying. I told Bentley that I didn't want to wait this time to try for another one. I wanted to keep trying when we were given the green light to try. We were given six months by my obgyn to try and naturally convince and if we couldn't we were going to be put on clomid to try and help the process out.. We thought that it was the way things were looking towards, I was tracking my ovulation since that is the only way we can get pregnant because my cycles usually aren't reliable they are only that way if and when on birth control it seems like. After only 2 months on birth control I stopped after my surgery in July so maybe less then a month. After that my cycles were far from being regular. I went 1 month not even having a complete cycle I know this one because i tested the whole month and a few months some weird reason either completely  missing when I ovulated or I have no idea. Which surprised me in September that I had missed my cycle, but all my tests were coming up negative. I talked to my obgyn one day and she told me to wait a week and see if it came up positive if not then I would have more blood work that she wanted to get done which was most likely a blood test for pregnancy. After waiting a week in September I felt weird the whole day I am not sure how to completely explain it but here it goes. I felt dizzy but not really dizzy and i felt immensely hungry like my all ready high metabolism had kicked into hyper drive (which is the state its currently in) and it took my body for a wild ride. When I got home I felt exhausted and took a nap, now I normally just put on a show for Danika and sleep after work but this day i slept more than my normal naps usually were. When we went into Idaho Falls for Bentley's birthday we bought a pregnancy test and low and behold this one did actually come back positive. After that I made an apt with my Obgyn and after Danika birthday I went in for an ultrasound to make sure that it was in the right spot and how far along I was. During this apt it was decided that I would have an ultrasound every week to make sure the heart was still beating and to help comfort my fears too. I have an ultrasound for basically each week besides after 11 weeks and when I went in for my 7 week ultrasound I found out that I was actually 8 weeks and 4 days lol ( which changed my due date) During this pregnancy I have to take baby aspirin everyday to keep my blood thin so that it doesn't produce clots that can get into the placenta and harm the baby. I have had amazing co workers during this time they have taken over if needed, they make sure that i'm doing okay during a case or after a case, and they send me to lunch first if they can ( which i feel ever so grateful about) I have felt sick with this one and I did have to leave a case to throw up in my mouth. During the 1st trimester I could barely do colonoscopy's and EGD with out getting motion sickness which is common. My co workers have known since i wasn't that far along because there are certain things i have to do at work like wear double the lead, no cement so I am usually first to break out of a case  when in totals or not in them at all. I really feel blessed and some days still are a struggle but life wouldn't be that way if it wasn't like this. we decided to tell family finally during Christmas because with my normal clothes on  you can tell im pregnant  nd my belly button is saying hello to the world. I was also being watched so closely because I had a Subchorionic hemorrhage which can be seen on my 9 week and 4 day ultrasound luckily it dissolved itself and got smaller every week. There was a chance I could start bleeding which made everything also very nerve racking.  we can not wait for June 11th to be here. 

                                                               13 week and 4 days Ultrasound

                                                                       11 weeks and 4 days

                                                                            Starting to show

                                                                     9 weeks and 4 days

                                                        8 weeks and 4 days

                                                                            6 weeks and 1 day

 

It's okay to struggle

I found that this last loss has been especially hard one for me to find my way back to the new me. As to why i'm not particularly sure maybe its because I have had 4 losses back to back to back to back or maybe its because I know that condition I have now and I'm upset with my body and I hate it and I feel like it is betraying me. I know its genetic though no one knows where it came from, out of blue is what happened.Yet you should be able to trust your body and you just cant find the nerve to trust your body ever again. Eventually I will come to terms and that for me this is a struggle that I will get through. I am brave, I am strong, and I can do this, and I will get to the top.

You find beauty when your world is falling apart

On May 25th 2015 we found out that our baby's heart stopped beating.... I was the only one at the doctor apt to make sure that the baby was great. Bentley decided to stay at work because we didn't have insurance from my new job till July 1st. Once my ob told me with solemn that there was no more heartbeat I tried so hard to keep it together, she let me get dresses and she came back and I was still trying to keep it together and she asked me what I had decided before she left for a few mins she looked at me and just gave me a hug. It surprised me how she even knew that at the time I just needed a hug. I decided to call Bentley ( my phone had no service and she was so nice to let me use hers, I didn't want to leave the safety of the exam room.) to tell him that he needed to come to the doctors office to help decide what we were going to do next. I lost it at that point and felt so alone and just cried while I waited for Bentley ( her ma Tina brought me some water and because of how I am i felt embarrassed for being a complete mess) . My ob met him at the door because he hadn't been to the hospital or the doctors office there to bring him to me. My ob did a lot of the talking about the choice and we decided to go with the pills to help induce labor because it was cheaper. I took the pills Thursday after I got home from work and made it until 10 pm that night before I gave in and took my oxy for the pain ( It is very hard to try and keep your unborn child that passed away still in you). I didn't sleep at all that night and then went to work the next morning and made it until 1 pm at work and then decided that I couldn't handle it anymore I was just to tired. During this time my co workers knew what had happened and everyone was very supportive of me, I felt bad because I was so new and I didn't want this to happen again. On Monday I hadn't passed enough after all that pain, I then needed to take the medicine once again and go through the pain all over again. It sucked it hurt and I wasn't going to see the face of my newborn baby instead I felt like my heart was hurting and breaking in more pieces then I could keep track of. On June 3rd I started spiking a light fever after work and was having horrible cramping pain and then ended up that night with a D and C. I was not put under during the procedure like you normally are but given lots of drugs so that I would be able to have the procedure done. They were hoping I would forget or not remember what was going on, but I still do I could tell you what happened what we talked about during the whole thing. I was taken care of very well, and if this didn't happen I don't know what I would have done ( Tomlinson and Tina kept me calm, I was thankful that Tina stayed late that night to hold my hand through the D and C so very grateful for that it made a huge impact in my life). I all ready felt so lost, confused, and alone because I knew no one up here. After my ob got my charts from my previous ob she wasn't happy about what she saw. She then came up with a plan for me to find out why I kept losing my babies. On July 1st we had 4 tests run 3 came back normal 1 came back abnormal. My Lupus Anticoagulant test was the one that came back abnormal, this means that I produce tiny blood clots especially while i'm pregnant.  Danika is a miracle I had a text book pregnancy with her until up to delivery. I could have ended up with a blood clot, premature labor, or could have lost Danika at any point in the pregnancy just like our other babies. I am still trying to process all this information. I then had surgery on July  8 to do 2 procedures and it went smoothly.. Today I had my post op apt and now we have a game plan, I will be trying to get pregnant after this next period. I am on quite a bit of pills at the moment and a lot i have to take while i'm pregnant, I will also have blood work done to keep tabs on all of my all of my levels. I need to take baby aspirin during my whole next pregnancy well actually she started me on it today. If I lose the next pregnancy I will have another D and C done testing on the baby will be preformed and I will be given heparin shots during the next pregnancy. If i can't get pregnant in 6 months I will be put on Clomid to help me. I am still healing I have my good days and I have my bad days and my in between days. Though I know that I can't let all my emotions of wanting to scream and cry try and run my life. I have tried to keep busy but sometimes it just gets to you. At least in this confusing, alone, lost time of my life I found people that made me feel like I had friends during the hardest time of my life. They might not know it but their pure hearts showed me the beauty during a dark time of my life when I had no friends up here.

My incisions a few hours after surgery 

How they look now

Bentley was just as exhausted as I was

My pills I take every day now

After surgery

This week is a learning week

I have been at my new job for a week Danika is back with us for a few days and is probably going back down but it's what we feel best for her at the moment till my little sister gets out of school and can come up and help us watch her. I am now 12 weeks and though I feel tired after work it's worth it, I have been feeling less sick and don't crave to much. At work we had three traumas come and and needed to be life flighted to Idaho, and because we are the OR some go to the trama calls and also that same day a pt coded in our OR table. Work is usually Monday- Friday unless we are on call for the night and the weekend. At the moment I'm in decontamination and sterilization learning the instruments I have done so many Ortho hand trays that I could tell you and put the order of the handle instruments in without the chest sheet. Some of the instruments I see your glad you are out asleep because some look scary lol.

It stuck this time!!

Here are again and the best news is we are not left heartbroken. When I found out I was pregnant this time around I was so relaxed and calm and wasn't stressing and worrying if it would stuck this time. I found out early that I was pregnant cause I have been feeling super sick unlike with Danika I could eat and feel okay but this one I have to continue to eat food if I want to feel ok. I have been watched this whole first trimester with ultrasoun every two weeks. At six weeks and 3 days we got to hear the heartbeat with the ultrasound now there was blood at the top of my uterus which watts said is normal in some cases and and it could of implied impending miscarriage or it would just resolve its self. I at first was worried but then reminded my self that I wasn't worried and I was relaxed and it calmed me down. By my next ultrasound We took Danika to this apt and just to see her reaction when she heard the heartbeat was amazing and her to watch the ultrasound it was hard to choose who to look at. I am now almost 11 weeks and my morning sickness has lightened up a little but with Danika I ate the smell of fried chicken it makes me want to vomit, though I love ranch especially Ranch and tomatoes and burritos, cheese doesn't have to be on everything but sure is delcious, cucumbers and ranch which I usually hate cucumbers and pickles which I love on hamburgers at this moment. I prefer more salty then sweet and I have less acne with this one then with Danika and I find my self drinking more water yuck. I am starting to show which is why We couldn't keep it a secret much longer. I will keep weekly updates for everyone that wants to read.

I am so grateful for the people that help shape me.

 Today I feel so grateful for all that I have. I have a loving husband and a beautiful daughter. I also have other people that love me so much and care about. What I'm about to do on Monday is make me a better me for my husband and my daughter. Though this will be a hard time but I know it could be worth it. I know that there is just a few people that have stuck by my side through all my emotions through out certain times in my life. That have guided me the best that they could. That haven't ever judged me, that have seen past my scars, that have always been there for me to vent too. Sometimes we can take these for granted and then one day it hits you how much they have helped shaped you who you are. They are the ones that always give you a shoulder to cry on, and tell you like it is. Then one becomes part of your heart and they have become family, and you know that these people will always be there for the rest of your life. I am so beyond blessed, and while I'm going through out this I know that they support me and love me and will be there for me because they all know how hard this is for me and they care and love me for who I am.

Feeling broken

You ever feel like your body is broken? I have and still do in fact more like a ticking time bomb. I have been asked to track my ovulation because after all my losses I feel screwed up inside my cycle has changed. I just finished my period so I will be starting Ina few days. After having my scare on The 17th of this month because in was 2 weeks late and having a dull steady ache and pressure on my right side were my Ectopic was at my Obgyn had me get a STAT Beta Quant blood test luckily it was negative but I felt so sad took me a long time to find my happy place again. I knew inside that part of me wanted to be pregnant and yet it gave me anxiety because I haven't felt more like a ticking time bomb until now where my tube could go BOOM and I would be fighting for my life and feeling selfish for once again choosing between my life and my child life. I want it so bad but for some reason I have troubles keeping my pregnancy. Some have asked if Bentley sperm need to be tested but we know he isn't the issue. I am the issue I'm the one that is broken and we just don't know why blood tests come back good. I know my daughter is a miracle it took us 3years to convince her and she stuck maybe its cause she is so darn stubborn that's why, I am so blessed and grateful she is ours. I am keeping my fingers cross that everything will be all right when the time comes. Thank you for those ppl that have told me I Amazing I am  I don't know why you guys think that but it helped me a lot, more than you ever know!

Our very short vacation to the mountains we go.

Its been two days since we have been back from our very short vacation and trust me those two days of not being in Utah were the best 2 days of my life. I love being in Idaho and especially up at my familys cabin for lots of reasons. This time there was a lot of snow on the ground and usually we go up in the summer and seeing it in the winter is so breathtaking beautiful that it just takes your breath away. Don't get me wrong it does in the summer time to, just something about the mountains being covered in snow all you see is white, and Idaho is unique in its self. We got together has a family and cleaned the snow off the roof of our family cabin. I love getting away from technology and being with family makes it better. Danika climbed the ladder to the roof all by herself and then her and dad and most of everyone jumped or slide off the roof it was a blast. Being able to jump off is a scary thing its like in life you must take a leap a leap of faith that everything will be great and something will be there to catch you when you fall. You may not be able to know what is going to catch you but something always does. I loved watching Danika interact with Ridge and  Brinley it took her a few mins to warm up but she had fun playing trucks with Ridge. Then I picked up some new mascara to help my lashes and so far i'm in love with the results. I loved talking with my aunt and uncle and cousins I love seeing them and i'm very blessed that I get along with them. The mountains will always call our name, we love being in them.

Having Courage to conquer fear

One of the definition of Fear is something that causes feelings of dread or apprehension; something a person is afraid of. I am afraid of getting pregnant I am afraid to see

the pink positive signs on a pregnancy test, i'm afraid to see blood. Fear that I might lose my baby again,

though I want to have another baby. I would like to have a boy but I would love another girl just as much as a boy. Though this is hard I have to channel my fear 

into courage. Courage is doing what i'm afraid of to do, there can be no courage

 unless your scared. I know that there might be lots of tears in this decision, I

even know that through my pregnancy there can be complications, there can be nightmares and things that can haunt me, and a gut wrenching feeling that something will might be wrong. I will have the courage to keep trying even when fear is in my thoughts. I know that no matter whatI am given I can go through it that I am a strong person and is surrounded by some people that love me. Fear will not conquer me I will conquer fear!!!! Because I want this more than anything even through the tears I will be smiling.

How I can see from what i'm doing in my job that reflects back on me.

Last week Lisa and I saved someone's life by just a simple blood draw, it is amazing how you feel after that. Sure its just a simple blood draw when someone is on coumadin they have to be watched regularly to make sure the blood isn't to thick or to thin there are two ways to do it. The first way is to draw it in a blue tube a sodium heparin tube the second is a device similar to a diabetes machine gives it to us right away when your in the coumadin clinic thats how it is done so that the doctor can adjust your dose before you leave the office. The patient wasn't registering on the machine we kept getting errors and so finally we drew their blood and sent it stat. They were also sick at this time when the results came back they had to go back to hospital and they had been bleeding internally. The doctor came and thank us for our decisions to draw it and it stat. This week they came back and we talked for awhile about how thankful they were to be alive and they thanked us again. They told us how scary it was and I told them I had gone through the same thing about a year ago but a tubal pregnancy instead and we both felt very lucky to be alive with our familys today. I have this knack for remembering people I don't know how I am like that but one person was really sick I took a lot of blood from the blood culture bottles plus lots of tubes. Yesterday they looked so much better I recapped everything that had happened that day they were surprised on how much I had remember about them. We get mission letters every monday this week ours was about looking back at the things we had done when we were little and we can remember doing certain things and that put us to where we are today in life in our jobs. I loved helping people and making them feel special and loved and as I got older I wanted to help them feel better. I get to have great people that I get to meet and learn lots about their life the happy parts and the sad parts but it makes you just feel so great. They usually leave with a big smile on their face. I love what I do and I love being there to help find out what is wrong with them.

The grief and emotion through the loss of a Child is like Waves never ending.

When you lose someone that you love there is grief and most of the times you know what to expect and how hard it is to go through losing them. The funeral seems to help with the healing process and every year on their birthday when you lost them it hurts. I  thought I  had now understood and known what grief really was, one day I was shown I was completely wrong about how much it hurt to love something you couldn't see yet and the horrible grief that followed it. July 2009  I found out I was  pregnant and I so happy I couldn't help but to start telling everyone that I was pregnant and its was my first child. My grandparents were ecstatic for Bentley and I  because they had waited a long time for great grandkids. At the point I had thought my doctor visits are going well, I went in for my 10 week apt and the lpn can't hear a heartbeat and so she tries an ultrasounds she can't find the baby  at 10 weeks you should be able to see the baby and hear the heartbeat. It was my first one so I was not really sure what is going on. She waves it off and says hey lets try again next apt we should be able to hear it clearly by then. Well about 10 days later I had started to bleed and it hurt but its not bright red, it was brow- which means it is old. It starts getting worse and the color change Bentley and I go to the er and sit there forever. I had to pee really bad and they still hadn't taken me in yet for my ultrasound I was scared and just want to go home at that point and curl up into a ball. I put my clothes back on and you walk out and the nurse yelled at me and asks me where is your gown? I told her the truth I was going to be leaving if I didn't get an ultrasounds soon. Finally they took me back to get the ultrasound something looks weird and strange not normal I was trying my best not to cry just having a little shred of hope that everything was going to be okay though I knew it wasn't something was very wrong. I got take  back into the room and the doctor comes in and tells me i'm so sorry to tell you this but you are having a Miscarriage its no longer viable your body is naturally getting rid of it. I immediately burst out into tears and I couldn't  stop crying the grief is worse than I had ever felt in my life. I all the sudden felt like I had just lost a piece to my heart and there was no way I could ever get it back my heart was broken in 2. The doctor says don't worry my wife had one and we had kids afterwards it happens to alot the first pregnancy that doesn't make me feel better but worse. A year later comes the date when I lost my first child I feel like i'm a mom but I had nothing to show that I had became a mother though in my heart I was a mom. It's hard its like dealing with all those emotions you felt a year ago. Seeing your baby on the ultrasound and losing it days later it is burned into your mind and hurts the image never goes away and you feel like you have lost a part of yourself. It slowly starts not hurting as bad, you learn to live with it and you have your good days and then the bad days. It took me three years to get pregnant again, this time your scared of you losing my baby once again. I didn't most anyone that we were pregnant again until we had heard the heartbeat and it was a good sign I had an easy pregnancy and it went great and smooth till labor and delivery but  that is in a different post. I figured okay well if this one is good then maybe that er doctor was partially right, I came to find out he is wrong and that he shouldn't have said it was just because it was my 1st pregnancy. Almost 2 months before I was Danika was 1 years old on July 26th coming home from 2 friends wedding that day (we were on our way home from the last one which was in provo) I all the sudden felt really sick to my stomach and had to go to the bathroom so bad I talked my self into holding it until we got home. When we did I took a pregnancy test and found out that I was pregnant I was shocked didn't know what to think and somber (every pregnancy is hard on me to be happy and excited for it scares me to death) i took three pregnancy test and showed Bentley and told the people i'm close with but told them not to say anything about it. We went to the doctors I had not had my cycle back from when I had Danika so I had nothing to go by when I got pregnant and had an ultrasound and confirmed I was about 8 weeks pregnant a few weeks went by I felt great then all the sudden I started bleeding once again I started freaking out crying my eyes out at work and I went to my obgyn and he looked at the baby again and said that the baby even looked bigger. I tried so hard to go off of that but it knew I was going to lose my baby again. I went to lunch about 1 week later and I felt so tired I took a nap I woke up went back to work but had to go to the bathroom I had kept feeling pressure and  cramps like the ones when your in labor I was now bleeding lot and I knew what was happening I continued to  work the rest of my shift through the pain smiling and happy while greeting customers sometimes i had to take a break. When I got home we went to a barbeque party that night and we got home later that night I went to the bathroom and I finally passed my baby I will not describe it because its still hard to talk about. I felt like I had lost another piece of myself once again but I had to be strong for my daughter and husband they needed me. Two weeks later my grandma said goodbye to this world it hurt because I missed her and I loved her and I couldn't see christmas without her and I didn't tell her I was pregnant to save her the hurt she would feel for me. It hurt but it didnt hurt as much as I did when I lost my children.We went about life normal in the day after my daughters 1st birthday we had to say goodbye to Bentley's grandma by that time I was so done with death because we had lost my great grandma the same year in March of 2013 I thought we were going to be okay. Nope Nov 22nd I found out I was having an ectopic ( tubal pregnancy) that was a hard thing I had to choose to save my life because my baby couldn't be save I was given two options 1 surgery removal of my tube 2 a shot to stop the growth because the shot was less money we went with it and it worked I had three months every week with blood work for my HCG levels to make sure that the shot was working and and that my levels went down to zero a couple of times I Had some scares that it had actually ruptured but didn't lucky and if it did I could have bleed internally. Bentley during this time worked graveyard and had no one to call if anything had happened and Danika was too little to know what to do at the time. I was always worried that I wouldn't wake up to see the next day. It took me awhile to heal emotionally from it and to stop having nightmares from it. a I am left with scar tissue and knowing that I have a great chance of me having another tubal pregnancy scares me to death I felt so selfish and still do to this day because I had to choose what to do I know I need to be here for my daughter and my husband that doesn't make it any easier dealing with it. In December of 2014 I had another miscarriage and it was just as rough as about the other ones were. I always know when I am miscarrying I usually don't miss my periods even though they have been irregular I have always had one. I didn't have a period in November I kept thinking I was going to have one but never did. In December i started knowing my signs of pregnancy and I got worried I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive the next day I started bleeding and before that happened I became irrational one day all I wanted to do was cry because I was so scared that I was going to to lose another baby. I managed that month as good as I could and I smiled and went to work. I have worked through all of my losses only 1 time did I go home early after I got the shot because I looked so pale I could hardly stand because I was so dizzy and felt sick to my stomach. Earlier this year in April we found out I was pregnant in March 2015 I had my 1st ob apt to make sure that it was in the right spot and it was in the right spot the heart was beating and everything looked good, 2 weeks later I was around 8 weeks and 5 days I went in and everything looked like it was going so well. Thinking everything was fine I waited until me being 13 weeks to go in and have a checkup for me 12 week one that I missed in utah. I barley had started my new job. I lay up on the table my new obgyn Dr. Tomlinson came in and after Tina was all done with me of course getting my history by 13 weeks you can hear a heartbeat with a doppler she couldn't find it only my heart beating. I know that it might not be a good sign. She goes and gets her ultrasound machine and she starts with and abdominal ultrasound. Now I have seen enough to know what I should be seeing and i'm not seeing what I should be. She has Tina come in and  help her she switches to vaginal ultrasound when she gets looking, she didn't have to tell me that their was no heartbeat I knew I couldn't see it beating. Then she told me I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat. At first im just in shock I just nod my head and agree with her. Bentley was working because we thought this one was going to be fine. I didn't know what to do or think or say but that I needed Bentley with me to help make a decision. My phone had no service what so ever I tried to text and to call nothing would go through. I didn't want to step out in the hall to use another phone. I was trying not to cry, Dr. Tomlinson hands me her phone and says here I have service use mine. Knowing bentley wouldn't answer the first time because he didn't know that phone number I quickly get out a quick voicemail that he needed to call me back. He calls back a few  mins later and i really couldn't get much out that he needed to come there was no heartbeat so he asks to  leave they let him. Dr. Tomlinson meets him up front to walk him back then she shows us our options. D& C and a drug to help induce labor we go for that because its cheaper. I was asked to start it on a weekend. Wednesday night i couldn't take knowing that my baby was dead inside of me, I take the medicine and I made it until 10 pm with out taking any medicine  it hurt so bad.   

  I have my good days and I have my bad days and when you need to do certain things in order to make sure and hope that you have another successful pregnancy it is hard to cope with and you feel so frustrated and you want to cry. Yet it seems like no one really wants you to talk about it so you hold it in and you don't want to be a burden to your husband either because there isn't anything anyone can do and he holds you while you cry and trys to make it as easy on you as he can because its both hard on you he knows that he needs to be strong for you, and men deal with the loss differently than a woman does. This grief is unlike any other it is something I can not forget it about because it has become apart of me and like water it is there and then all the sudden you get hit with this big emotion you can't stop it washes over you until you can get your barrings again until the next wave comes and you just hold on for life. I am very blessed and this is not a pity thing this is to help someone that know they are not alone.