The grief and emotion through the loss of a Child is like Waves never ending.

When you lose someone that you love there is grief and most of the times you know what to expect and how hard it is to go through losing them. The funeral seems to help with the healing process and every year on their birthday when you lost them it hurts. I  thought I  had now understood and known what grief really was, one day I was shown I was completely wrong about how much it hurt to love something you couldn't see yet and the horrible grief that followed it. July 2009  I found out I was  pregnant and I so happy I couldn't help but to start telling everyone that I was pregnant and its was my first child. My grandparents were ecstatic for Bentley and I  because they had waited a long time for great grandkids. At the point I had thought my doctor visits are going well, I went in for my 10 week apt and the lpn can't hear a heartbeat and so she tries an ultrasounds she can't find the baby  at 10 weeks you should be able to see the baby and hear the heartbeat. It was my first one so I was not really sure what is going on. She waves it off and says hey lets try again next apt we should be able to hear it clearly by then. Well about 10 days later I had started to bleed and it hurt but its not bright red, it was brow- which means it is old. It starts getting worse and the color change Bentley and I go to the er and sit there forever. I had to pee really bad and they still hadn't taken me in yet for my ultrasound I was scared and just want to go home at that point and curl up into a ball. I put my clothes back on and you walk out and the nurse yelled at me and asks me where is your gown? I told her the truth I was going to be leaving if I didn't get an ultrasounds soon. Finally they took me back to get the ultrasound something looks weird and strange not normal I was trying my best not to cry just having a little shred of hope that everything was going to be okay though I knew it wasn't something was very wrong. I got take  back into the room and the doctor comes in and tells me i'm so sorry to tell you this but you are having a Miscarriage its no longer viable your body is naturally getting rid of it. I immediately burst out into tears and I couldn't  stop crying the grief is worse than I had ever felt in my life. I all the sudden felt like I had just lost a piece to my heart and there was no way I could ever get it back my heart was broken in 2. The doctor says don't worry my wife had one and we had kids afterwards it happens to alot the first pregnancy that doesn't make me feel better but worse. A year later comes the date when I lost my first child I feel like i'm a mom but I had nothing to show that I had became a mother though in my heart I was a mom. It's hard its like dealing with all those emotions you felt a year ago. Seeing your baby on the ultrasound and losing it days later it is burned into your mind and hurts the image never goes away and you feel like you have lost a part of yourself. It slowly starts not hurting as bad, you learn to live with it and you have your good days and then the bad days. It took me three years to get pregnant again, this time your scared of you losing my baby once again. I didn't most anyone that we were pregnant again until we had heard the heartbeat and it was a good sign I had an easy pregnancy and it went great and smooth till labor and delivery but  that is in a different post. I figured okay well if this one is good then maybe that er doctor was partially right, I came to find out he is wrong and that he shouldn't have said it was just because it was my 1st pregnancy. Almost 2 months before I was Danika was 1 years old on July 26th coming home from 2 friends wedding that day (we were on our way home from the last one which was in provo) I all the sudden felt really sick to my stomach and had to go to the bathroom so bad I talked my self into holding it until we got home. When we did I took a pregnancy test and found out that I was pregnant I was shocked didn't know what to think and somber (every pregnancy is hard on me to be happy and excited for it scares me to death) i took three pregnancy test and showed Bentley and told the people i'm close with but told them not to say anything about it. We went to the doctors I had not had my cycle back from when I had Danika so I had nothing to go by when I got pregnant and had an ultrasound and confirmed I was about 8 weeks pregnant a few weeks went by I felt great then all the sudden I started bleeding once again I started freaking out crying my eyes out at work and I went to my obgyn and he looked at the baby again and said that the baby even looked bigger. I tried so hard to go off of that but it knew I was going to lose my baby again. I went to lunch about 1 week later and I felt so tired I took a nap I woke up went back to work but had to go to the bathroom I had kept feeling pressure and  cramps like the ones when your in labor I was now bleeding lot and I knew what was happening I continued to  work the rest of my shift through the pain smiling and happy while greeting customers sometimes i had to take a break. When I got home we went to a barbeque party that night and we got home later that night I went to the bathroom and I finally passed my baby I will not describe it because its still hard to talk about. I felt like I had lost another piece of myself once again but I had to be strong for my daughter and husband they needed me. Two weeks later my grandma said goodbye to this world it hurt because I missed her and I loved her and I couldn't see christmas without her and I didn't tell her I was pregnant to save her the hurt she would feel for me. It hurt but it didnt hurt as much as I did when I lost my children.We went about life normal in the day after my daughters 1st birthday we had to say goodbye to Bentley's grandma by that time I was so done with death because we had lost my great grandma the same year in March of 2013 I thought we were going to be okay. Nope Nov 22nd I found out I was having an ectopic ( tubal pregnancy) that was a hard thing I had to choose to save my life because my baby couldn't be save I was given two options 1 surgery removal of my tube 2 a shot to stop the growth because the shot was less money we went with it and it worked I had three months every week with blood work for my HCG levels to make sure that the shot was working and and that my levels went down to zero a couple of times I Had some scares that it had actually ruptured but didn't lucky and if it did I could have bleed internally. Bentley during this time worked graveyard and had no one to call if anything had happened and Danika was too little to know what to do at the time. I was always worried that I wouldn't wake up to see the next day. It took me awhile to heal emotionally from it and to stop having nightmares from it. a I am left with scar tissue and knowing that I have a great chance of me having another tubal pregnancy scares me to death I felt so selfish and still do to this day because I had to choose what to do I know I need to be here for my daughter and my husband that doesn't make it any easier dealing with it. In December of 2014 I had another miscarriage and it was just as rough as about the other ones were. I always know when I am miscarrying I usually don't miss my periods even though they have been irregular I have always had one. I didn't have a period in November I kept thinking I was going to have one but never did. In December i started knowing my signs of pregnancy and I got worried I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive the next day I started bleeding and before that happened I became irrational one day all I wanted to do was cry because I was so scared that I was going to to lose another baby. I managed that month as good as I could and I smiled and went to work. I have worked through all of my losses only 1 time did I go home early after I got the shot because I looked so pale I could hardly stand because I was so dizzy and felt sick to my stomach. Earlier this year in April we found out I was pregnant in March 2015 I had my 1st ob apt to make sure that it was in the right spot and it was in the right spot the heart was beating and everything looked good, 2 weeks later I was around 8 weeks and 5 days I went in and everything looked like it was going so well. Thinking everything was fine I waited until me being 13 weeks to go in and have a checkup for me 12 week one that I missed in utah. I barley had started my new job. I lay up on the table my new obgyn Dr. Tomlinson came in and after Tina was all done with me of course getting my history by 13 weeks you can hear a heartbeat with a doppler she couldn't find it only my heart beating. I know that it might not be a good sign. She goes and gets her ultrasound machine and she starts with and abdominal ultrasound. Now I have seen enough to know what I should be seeing and i'm not seeing what I should be. She has Tina come in and  help her she switches to vaginal ultrasound when she gets looking, she didn't have to tell me that their was no heartbeat I knew I couldn't see it beating. Then she told me I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat. At first im just in shock I just nod my head and agree with her. Bentley was working because we thought this one was going to be fine. I didn't know what to do or think or say but that I needed Bentley with me to help make a decision. My phone had no service what so ever I tried to text and to call nothing would go through. I didn't want to step out in the hall to use another phone. I was trying not to cry, Dr. Tomlinson hands me her phone and says here I have service use mine. Knowing bentley wouldn't answer the first time because he didn't know that phone number I quickly get out a quick voicemail that he needed to call me back. He calls back a few  mins later and i really couldn't get much out that he needed to come there was no heartbeat so he asks to  leave they let him. Dr. Tomlinson meets him up front to walk him back then she shows us our options. D& C and a drug to help induce labor we go for that because its cheaper. I was asked to start it on a weekend. Wednesday night i couldn't take knowing that my baby was dead inside of me, I take the medicine and I made it until 10 pm with out taking any medicine  it hurt so bad.   

  I have my good days and I have my bad days and when you need to do certain things in order to make sure and hope that you have another successful pregnancy it is hard to cope with and you feel so frustrated and you want to cry. Yet it seems like no one really wants you to talk about it so you hold it in and you don't want to be a burden to your husband either because there isn't anything anyone can do and he holds you while you cry and trys to make it as easy on you as he can because its both hard on you he knows that he needs to be strong for you, and men deal with the loss differently than a woman does. This grief is unlike any other it is something I can not forget it about because it has become apart of me and like water it is there and then all the sudden you get hit with this big emotion you can't stop it washes over you until you can get your barrings again until the next wave comes and you just hold on for life. I am very blessed and this is not a pity thing this is to help someone that know they are not alone.