This Is What Love Is Called: You find beauty when your world is falling apart

On May 25th 2015 we found out that our baby's heart stopped beating.... I was the only one at the doctor apt to make sure that the baby was great. Bentley decided to stay at work because we didn't have insurance from my new job till July 1st. Once my ob told me with solemn that there was no more heartbeat I tried so hard to keep it together, she let me get dresses and she came back and I was still trying to keep it together and she asked me what I had decided before she left for a few mins she looked at me and just gave me a hug. It surprised me how she even knew that at the time I just needed a hug. I decided to call Bentley ( my phone had no service and she was so nice to let me use hers, I didn't want to leave the safety of the exam room.) to tell him that he needed to come to the doctors office to help decide what we were going to do next. I lost it at that point and felt so alone and just cried while I waited for Bentley ( her ma Tina brought me some water and because of how I am i felt embarrassed for being a complete mess) . My ob met him at the door because he hadn't been to the hospital or the doctors office there to bring him to me. My ob did a lot of the talking about the choice and we decided to go with the pills to help induce labor because it was cheaper. I took the pills Thursday after I got home from work and made it until 10 pm that night before I gave in and took my oxy for the pain ( It is very hard to try and keep your unborn child that passed away still in you). I didn't sleep at all that night and then went to work the next morning and made it until 1 pm at work and then decided that I couldn't handle it anymore I was just to tired. During this time my co workers knew what had happened and everyone was very supportive of me, I felt bad because I was so new and I didn't want this to happen again. On Monday I hadn't passed enough after all that pain, I then needed to take the medicine once again and go through the pain all over again. It sucked it hurt and I wasn't going to see the face of my newborn baby instead I felt like my heart was hurting and breaking in more pieces then I could keep track of. On June 3rd I started spiking a light fever after work and was having horrible cramping pain and then ended up that night with a D and C. I was not put under during the procedure like you normally are but given lots of drugs so that I would be able to have the procedure done. They were hoping I would forget or not remember what was going on, but I still do I could tell you what happened what we talked about during the whole thing. I was taken care of very well, and if this didn't happen I don't know what I would have done ( Tomlinson and Tina kept me calm, I was thankful that Tina stayed late that night to hold my hand through the D and C so very grateful for that it made a huge impact in my life). I all ready felt so lost, confused, and alone because I knew no one up here. After my ob got my charts from my previous ob she wasn't happy about what she saw. She then came up with a plan for me to find out why I kept losing my babies. On July 1st we had 4 tests run 3 came back normal 1 came back abnormal. My Lupus Anticoagulant test was the one that came back abnormal, this means that I produce tiny blood clots especially while i'm pregnant. Danika is a miracle I had a text book pregnancy with her until up to delivery. I could have ended up with a blood clot, premature labor, or could have lost Danika at any point in the pregnancy just like our other babies. I am still trying to process all this information. I then had surgery on July 8 to do 2 procedures and it went smoothly.. Today I had my post op apt and now we have a game plan, I will be trying to get pregnant after this next period. I am on quite a bit of pills at the moment and a lot i have to take while i'm pregnant, I will also have blood work done to keep tabs on all of my all of my levels. I need to take baby aspirin during my whole next pregnancy well actually she started me on it today. If I lose the next pregnancy I will have another D and C done testing on the baby will be preformed and I will be given heparin shots during the next pregnancy. If i can't get pregnant in 6 months I will be put on Clomid to help me. I am still healing I have my good days and I have my bad days and my in between days. Though I know that I can't let all my emotions of wanting to scream and cry try and run my life. I have tried to keep busy but sometimes it just gets to you. At least in this confusing, alone, lost time of my life I found people that made me feel like I had friends during the hardest time of my life. They might not know it but their pure hearts showed me the beauty during a dark time of my life when I had no friends up here.