This time around I don't feel as nearly stressed,

                                         This is Called a Turtle when we found out it was a boy this is what we saw                                             first      

Yesterday we found out we were having a boy and we are ecstatic to say the least. I wasn't sure what I was having I knew with Danika that we were having a girl, this one wanted to surprise us lol. I know though that there was a chance it could be a boy because everything has been polar opposite than with Danika. Though I was reading my baby book last night and I felt a calm sense in who I wanted things done. Going over a few things with Bentley I am so relieved that we are agree on a lot of things which by the way makes things so much nicer. I know my birth plan also it's simple, it's sweet and it's something I know I wont get disappointed if it doesn't go that right way. As we were talking last night. I decided that if two of the people I wanted to come were able to make it they would be in the room this time sharing in the experience. Bentley has a hard time sometimes with nasty smells and the smell of the iron in the blood and there is a lot of that. I prefer him to be feeling great when the baby is here so he can give his undivided attention to whats going on with the baby. If not the nurses can help or if some of my friends that are co workers can sneak away during work or whatever they can come help because of my job some of them have all ready seen my lady parts because of the surgery I had last July. No mother or mother in law in the room this time though, I like sharing and giving other people turns. Also an episiotomy will be okay if needed I had one with Danika and  I might need one this time, forceps or vaccum are okay also. Danika also needed forceps to help get her our she had some marks but she was doing great. If a C section is needed there is only one person that isn't allowed to look in the window or stand in the corner of the room, people don't need to know her name but those that know who she is might understand why I don't want this. I have voiced this at work all ready so they  know. I want an epidural as soon as I can have one because those make me happy. As for Carson as soon as he can be circumcised he will be that's the one thing I told Bentley he was in charge of making the decision on and I am glad we were thinking the same thing (thats the hard part). Now we all ready know that there is a huge chance that Carson most likely have Jaundice because of my blood type and what his could be either A+ or B+ and my blood type is O+ and its called ABO incompatibility. Bentley's Blood type is AB+ because of this none of our kids will have my blood type and will have A or B blood which doesn't mix well with my blood, leaving them for a lot higher risk of Jaundice. We were very lucky with Danika and she actually had the lowest Jaundice score of babies in the nursery born the same day as her.  We are hoping that the same thing is with Carson but you just realize and understand that there is a possibility that its more likely to happen. The only thing that we really realize is that we have no clothes for a boy hahaha so in some ways we feel like we are starting all over again. Luckily we have most of the expensive stuff out of the way so we don't have to worry about that and we got a few months to buy clothes here and there for him. It was amazing watching and listening to Danika when we got the ultrasound done yesterday. She was so excited when Bentley would tell her look there is a hand and a foot, his face and so on. Now she did find the placenta boring and umbilical cord very boring and when they did she did the heat sensor thing danika called it bubbles and was so excited. Here is the ultrasound photos from yesterday the ones  I didn't post on facebook. .

Making a hard decision

So this year after our loss and we had run all the tests that my obgyn wanted to run to find out the cause of why I kept miscarrying. I told Bentley that I didn't want to wait this time to try for another one. I wanted to keep trying when we were given the green light to try. We were given six months by my obgyn to try and naturally convince and if we couldn't we were going to be put on clomid to try and help the process out.. We thought that it was the way things were looking towards, I was tracking my ovulation since that is the only way we can get pregnant because my cycles usually aren't reliable they are only that way if and when on birth control it seems like. After only 2 months on birth control I stopped after my surgery in July so maybe less then a month. After that my cycles were far from being regular. I went 1 month not even having a complete cycle I know this one because i tested the whole month and a few months some weird reason either completely  missing when I ovulated or I have no idea. Which surprised me in September that I had missed my cycle, but all my tests were coming up negative. I talked to my obgyn one day and she told me to wait a week and see if it came up positive if not then I would have more blood work that she wanted to get done which was most likely a blood test for pregnancy. After waiting a week in September I felt weird the whole day I am not sure how to completely explain it but here it goes. I felt dizzy but not really dizzy and i felt immensely hungry like my all ready high metabolism had kicked into hyper drive (which is the state its currently in) and it took my body for a wild ride. When I got home I felt exhausted and took a nap, now I normally just put on a show for Danika and sleep after work but this day i slept more than my normal naps usually were. When we went into Idaho Falls for Bentley's birthday we bought a pregnancy test and low and behold this one did actually come back positive. After that I made an apt with my Obgyn and after Danika birthday I went in for an ultrasound to make sure that it was in the right spot and how far along I was. During this apt it was decided that I would have an ultrasound every week to make sure the heart was still beating and to help comfort my fears too. I have an ultrasound for basically each week besides after 11 weeks and when I went in for my 7 week ultrasound I found out that I was actually 8 weeks and 4 days lol ( which changed my due date) During this pregnancy I have to take baby aspirin everyday to keep my blood thin so that it doesn't produce clots that can get into the placenta and harm the baby. I have had amazing co workers during this time they have taken over if needed, they make sure that i'm doing okay during a case or after a case, and they send me to lunch first if they can ( which i feel ever so grateful about) I have felt sick with this one and I did have to leave a case to throw up in my mouth. During the 1st trimester I could barely do colonoscopy's and EGD with out getting motion sickness which is common. My co workers have known since i wasn't that far along because there are certain things i have to do at work like wear double the lead, no cement so I am usually first to break out of a case  when in totals or not in them at all. I really feel blessed and some days still are a struggle but life wouldn't be that way if it wasn't like this. we decided to tell family finally during Christmas because with my normal clothes on  you can tell im pregnant  nd my belly button is saying hello to the world. I was also being watched so closely because I had a Subchorionic hemorrhage which can be seen on my 9 week and 4 day ultrasound luckily it dissolved itself and got smaller every week. There was a chance I could start bleeding which made everything also very nerve racking.  we can not wait for June 11th to be here. 

                                                               13 week and 4 days Ultrasound

                                                                       11 weeks and 4 days

                                                                            Starting to show

                                                                     9 weeks and 4 days

                                                        8 weeks and 4 days

                                                                            6 weeks and 1 day

 

It's okay to struggle

I found that this last loss has been especially hard one for me to find my way back to the new me. As to why i'm not particularly sure maybe its because I have had 4 losses back to back to back to back or maybe its because I know that condition I have now and I'm upset with my body and I hate it and I feel like it is betraying me. I know its genetic though no one knows where it came from, out of blue is what happened.Yet you should be able to trust your body and you just cant find the nerve to trust your body ever again. Eventually I will come to terms and that for me this is a struggle that I will get through. I am brave, I am strong, and I can do this, and I will get to the top.

You find beauty when your world is falling apart

On May 25th 2015 we found out that our baby's heart stopped beating.... I was the only one at the doctor apt to make sure that the baby was great. Bentley decided to stay at work because we didn't have insurance from my new job till July 1st. Once my ob told me with solemn that there was no more heartbeat I tried so hard to keep it together, she let me get dresses and she came back and I was still trying to keep it together and she asked me what I had decided before she left for a few mins she looked at me and just gave me a hug. It surprised me how she even knew that at the time I just needed a hug. I decided to call Bentley ( my phone had no service and she was so nice to let me use hers, I didn't want to leave the safety of the exam room.) to tell him that he needed to come to the doctors office to help decide what we were going to do next. I lost it at that point and felt so alone and just cried while I waited for Bentley ( her ma Tina brought me some water and because of how I am i felt embarrassed for being a complete mess) . My ob met him at the door because he hadn't been to the hospital or the doctors office there to bring him to me. My ob did a lot of the talking about the choice and we decided to go with the pills to help induce labor because it was cheaper. I took the pills Thursday after I got home from work and made it until 10 pm that night before I gave in and took my oxy for the pain ( It is very hard to try and keep your unborn child that passed away still in you). I didn't sleep at all that night and then went to work the next morning and made it until 1 pm at work and then decided that I couldn't handle it anymore I was just to tired. During this time my co workers knew what had happened and everyone was very supportive of me, I felt bad because I was so new and I didn't want this to happen again. On Monday I hadn't passed enough after all that pain, I then needed to take the medicine once again and go through the pain all over again. It sucked it hurt and I wasn't going to see the face of my newborn baby instead I felt like my heart was hurting and breaking in more pieces then I could keep track of. On June 3rd I started spiking a light fever after work and was having horrible cramping pain and then ended up that night with a D and C. I was not put under during the procedure like you normally are but given lots of drugs so that I would be able to have the procedure done. They were hoping I would forget or not remember what was going on, but I still do I could tell you what happened what we talked about during the whole thing. I was taken care of very well, and if this didn't happen I don't know what I would have done ( Tomlinson and Tina kept me calm, I was thankful that Tina stayed late that night to hold my hand through the D and C so very grateful for that it made a huge impact in my life). I all ready felt so lost, confused, and alone because I knew no one up here. After my ob got my charts from my previous ob she wasn't happy about what she saw. She then came up with a plan for me to find out why I kept losing my babies. On July 1st we had 4 tests run 3 came back normal 1 came back abnormal. My Lupus Anticoagulant test was the one that came back abnormal, this means that I produce tiny blood clots especially while i'm pregnant.  Danika is a miracle I had a text book pregnancy with her until up to delivery. I could have ended up with a blood clot, premature labor, or could have lost Danika at any point in the pregnancy just like our other babies. I am still trying to process all this information. I then had surgery on July  8 to do 2 procedures and it went smoothly.. Today I had my post op apt and now we have a game plan, I will be trying to get pregnant after this next period. I am on quite a bit of pills at the moment and a lot i have to take while i'm pregnant, I will also have blood work done to keep tabs on all of my all of my levels. I need to take baby aspirin during my whole next pregnancy well actually she started me on it today. If I lose the next pregnancy I will have another D and C done testing on the baby will be preformed and I will be given heparin shots during the next pregnancy. If i can't get pregnant in 6 months I will be put on Clomid to help me. I am still healing I have my good days and I have my bad days and my in between days. Though I know that I can't let all my emotions of wanting to scream and cry try and run my life. I have tried to keep busy but sometimes it just gets to you. At least in this confusing, alone, lost time of my life I found people that made me feel like I had friends during the hardest time of my life. They might not know it but their pure hearts showed me the beauty during a dark time of my life when I had no friends up here.

My incisions a few hours after surgery 

How they look now

Bentley was just as exhausted as I was

My pills I take every day now

After surgery

This week is a learning week

I have been at my new job for a week Danika is back with us for a few days and is probably going back down but it's what we feel best for her at the moment till my little sister gets out of school and can come up and help us watch her. I am now 12 weeks and though I feel tired after work it's worth it, I have been feeling less sick and don't crave to much. At work we had three traumas come and and needed to be life flighted to Idaho, and because we are the OR some go to the trama calls and also that same day a pt coded in our OR table. Work is usually Monday- Friday unless we are on call for the night and the weekend. At the moment I'm in decontamination and sterilization learning the instruments I have done so many Ortho hand trays that I could tell you and put the order of the handle instruments in without the chest sheet. Some of the instruments I see your glad you are out asleep because some look scary lol.

It stuck this time!!

Here are again and the best news is we are not left heartbroken. When I found out I was pregnant this time around I was so relaxed and calm and wasn't stressing and worrying if it would stuck this time. I found out early that I was pregnant cause I have been feeling super sick unlike with Danika I could eat and feel okay but this one I have to continue to eat food if I want to feel ok. I have been watched this whole first trimester with ultrasoun every two weeks. At six weeks and 3 days we got to hear the heartbeat with the ultrasound now there was blood at the top of my uterus which watts said is normal in some cases and and it could of implied impending miscarriage or it would just resolve its self. I at first was worried but then reminded my self that I wasn't worried and I was relaxed and it calmed me down. By my next ultrasound We took Danika to this apt and just to see her reaction when she heard the heartbeat was amazing and her to watch the ultrasound it was hard to choose who to look at. I am now almost 11 weeks and my morning sickness has lightened up a little but with Danika I ate the smell of fried chicken it makes me want to vomit, though I love ranch especially Ranch and tomatoes and burritos, cheese doesn't have to be on everything but sure is delcious, cucumbers and ranch which I usually hate cucumbers and pickles which I love on hamburgers at this moment. I prefer more salty then sweet and I have less acne with this one then with Danika and I find my self drinking more water yuck. I am starting to show which is why We couldn't keep it a secret much longer. I will keep weekly updates for everyone that wants to read.

I am so grateful for the people that help shape me.

 Today I feel so grateful for all that I have. I have a loving husband and a beautiful daughter. I also have other people that love me so much and care about. What I'm about to do on Monday is make me a better me for my husband and my daughter. Though this will be a hard time but I know it could be worth it. I know that there is just a few people that have stuck by my side through all my emotions through out certain times in my life. That have guided me the best that they could. That haven't ever judged me, that have seen past my scars, that have always been there for me to vent too. Sometimes we can take these for granted and then one day it hits you how much they have helped shaped you who you are. They are the ones that always give you a shoulder to cry on, and tell you like it is. Then one becomes part of your heart and they have become family, and you know that these people will always be there for the rest of your life. I am so beyond blessed, and while I'm going through out this I know that they support me and love me and will be there for me because they all know how hard this is for me and they care and love me for who I am.