A Battle

It has been awhile sine I have last posted and we are doing good, I am struggling a bit it can be so hard to be a full time mom and work full time but I love my job so much that I wouldn't give it up and I love some of the people I work with! We sold our car got a pathfinder and loving it so much it is so comfortable to take on trips and im so in love with it. I cleaned our garage out because Bentley was having a rough week and i did amazing!!! I have been struggling with some issues with my family and its been so hard to keep it separated from work. It seems like I can never get away from all the stuff they have put me through and I just keep trying to keep going I tell people I"m fine but inside I don't feel fine I feel like i'm breaking into a freaking million pieces while trying to keep it together there is literally a war going through my head, I'm always there for people I just need to ask so that someone will be there for me to help me to show the emotion I feel and tell me that its okay. I ended up telling my managers about the my past and how i was treated but it made me who I am today. Then I ended up telling them and another co worker what I used to do and its been so hard lately not to do any of it. I want to be healthy for my baby girl. I am stuck in that place where I can that I need to cry that I should cry but I can't and I want it to go away. I am so happy with my life and I hate feeling like this I want to be where I was emotionally before everyone started saying it was my fault for everything. Bringing old emotions up.... My husband, my daughter, and my work family seriously keep me going and i'm so grateful for that. Anyways Danika can cruse with the furniture and stand by her self I can't believe in a few days she will be 9 months old. I love this girl to death and her first tooth is breaking threw.

 I love her blue eyes

 So beautiful I can't ask for a better daughter

5 Months already?

I cant believe it has been five months all ready it still seems like yesterday i was in labor withour baby girl. Next month she will be eating foods it would take forever yo bet hete but ut flew by. Our princess can take steps forward while someone is holding her hands she gets so excited, it makes our heart melt and she is getting down crawling to she just wants to go everywhere there is no pauseing. She is a special kid by far and so smart like her Daddy those two together it melts my heart. Bentley made me a nursing cover yesterday allby himself it shows how much he supports my breastfeeding. I truly am so blessed.

Yesterday was a rough morning, we are selling my car to my sister and i had cleaned the night before listen to the radio and drained the battery. I had taken off all our house keys and left them in the house. Thinking the car would start, it didn't. I had Danika doctor apt at 8:30 I wasn't going to make it so I had to call my mom and ask her to come take me to work and take Danika to the doctors apt cause it was rescheduled for 10 am I worked at 10;30. While waiting I had to wait in my car it was cold and I felt like a bad mom because I have a diesase I have poor cicrulation in my hands and feet they freeze in 60 degree weather, her hands were cold there was nothing I could do to warm them up because my hands and feet where numb I felt so bad. I only had 9 oz of milk pump and thought she was good on formula... Well she wasn't so my mom had to pick some up to feed her at the end of the time she watches her. It is hard keeping up with Danika milk supply when I am not there to nurse every three hours.At work it is hard to pump every two hours I don't really get breaks besides lunch. The doctor has put me on fenugreek to see if that helps me produce more. I hope everything will work out for the best. Danika really makes me happy on my days that go so wrong. I love her to death she is my eveything my princess my little girl.

Happy Four year anniversary to Bentley and I, This was my anniversary gift this year. We knew we wanted to get a new car and spent 2 months seeing if we could tighten our budget so that we could get an SUV. The reason we wanted to get a new car, It was tight fitting in  Bentley's Mazda 3 with two people on trips and my Dodge neon was just to small too. We could barley fit two people stuff in his car we like taking our guns and bows and we have to take food with us when we go to Wyoming so we decided now that their is three of us it would be best also if we had another kid with a car it fits 5 and we are at five all ready so now we can have grandparents in the car too. Why we choose this one, I know I said i really wanted the 2013 Nissan Pathfinder but we decided that it didn't fit our "Lifestyle" we love the outdoors and this one fitted our life style  better. The 2013 is on a unibody and has lower clearance then the 2012 while as the 2012 is on a truck chassis and has more clearance so we can take it up in the mountains. Also the 2013 has only 2 wheel and 4 wheel drive, while the 2012 has 2 wheel, 4 wheel high and 4 wheel low drive. Bentley inisisted that I needed a backup camera which is true so we have a back up camera now. I really love the choice we made, I can't wait to take Danika through yellowstone when she is old enough to see out the windows we will be Higher up and she can see alot more.

It has been 16 fast weeks since I have.had Danika she has grown up so fast and the months fly by. We have enjoyed every minute.of it. Danika is such a sweet good baby and is so independant. She wants to stand to jump to crawl. She sits there on her belly she has figured to go backwords but does it when no one is look. We tried a new thing today her jumper she really loves her Jumper i cant wait until she can really get going in it and her head off. Motherhood is really the best, im so blessed to have her in my life and to have Bentley in my life, he really is an amazing father.

Days like this I wonder am i really a good mother?

I love being a mom and I love having that special bond I get with nursing. Today was a little rough at work I dropped the bottle I had just pumped but still had one full bottle, I put it in the fridge went back to work. I clocked out went to the fridge and come to find that someone moved it to the top shelf and layed my milk bag on it side and all that milk 4 oz worth all gone evaporated, i wanted to cry I know that is stupid crying over milk. I just want the best for my daughter and nursing is the best and I feel bad when she has to have formula because she is allergic to the kind I have right now and so it makes her upset and cry and have a tummy ache and spit up.. It makes me feel like am I really a good mom I don't know whats upsetting her, how to make her feel better... It just can be frustrating, but look down at her precious beautiful face and smile I know that she really does love me and that some how i'm doing something right. 

I cant believe that it is  finally Christmas eve we have had family parties and she has seen Santa, one time she was awake and the other time she was sound asleep. Danika is long so sometimes we feel she seems older then she is. I cant wait for her to open her presents tomorrow morning. So excited ahh, well got to go to work.