This week is a learning week

I have been at my new job for a week Danika is back with us for a few days and is probably going back down but it's what we feel best for her at the moment till my little sister gets out of school and can come up and help us watch her. I am now 12 weeks and though I feel tired after work it's worth it, I have been feeling less sick and don't crave to much. At work we had three traumas come and and needed to be life flighted to Idaho, and because we are the OR some go to the trama calls and also that same day a pt coded in our OR table. Work is usually Monday- Friday unless we are on call for the night and the weekend. At the moment I'm in decontamination and sterilization learning the instruments I have done so many Ortho hand trays that I could tell you and put the order of the handle instruments in without the chest sheet. Some of the instruments I see your glad you are out asleep because some look scary lol.

It stuck this time!!

Here are again and the best news is we are not left heartbroken. When I found out I was pregnant this time around I was so relaxed and calm and wasn't stressing and worrying if it would stuck this time. I found out early that I was pregnant cause I have been feeling super sick unlike with Danika I could eat and feel okay but this one I have to continue to eat food if I want to feel ok. I have been watched this whole first trimester with ultrasoun every two weeks. At six weeks and 3 days we got to hear the heartbeat with the ultrasound now there was blood at the top of my uterus which watts said is normal in some cases and and it could of implied impending miscarriage or it would just resolve its self. I at first was worried but then reminded my self that I wasn't worried and I was relaxed and it calmed me down. By my next ultrasound We took Danika to this apt and just to see her reaction when she heard the heartbeat was amazing and her to watch the ultrasound it was hard to choose who to look at. I am now almost 11 weeks and my morning sickness has lightened up a little but with Danika I ate the smell of fried chicken it makes me want to vomit, though I love ranch especially Ranch and tomatoes and burritos, cheese doesn't have to be on everything but sure is delcious, cucumbers and ranch which I usually hate cucumbers and pickles which I love on hamburgers at this moment. I prefer more salty then sweet and I have less acne with this one then with Danika and I find my self drinking more water yuck. I am starting to show which is why We couldn't keep it a secret much longer. I will keep weekly updates for everyone that wants to read.

I am so grateful for the people that help shape me.

 Today I feel so grateful for all that I have. I have a loving husband and a beautiful daughter. I also have other people that love me so much and care about. What I'm about to do on Monday is make me a better me for my husband and my daughter. Though this will be a hard time but I know it could be worth it. I know that there is just a few people that have stuck by my side through all my emotions through out certain times in my life. That have guided me the best that they could. That haven't ever judged me, that have seen past my scars, that have always been there for me to vent too. Sometimes we can take these for granted and then one day it hits you how much they have helped shaped you who you are. They are the ones that always give you a shoulder to cry on, and tell you like it is. Then one becomes part of your heart and they have become family, and you know that these people will always be there for the rest of your life. I am so beyond blessed, and while I'm going through out this I know that they support me and love me and will be there for me because they all know how hard this is for me and they care and love me for who I am.

Feeling broken

You ever feel like your body is broken? I have and still do in fact more like a ticking time bomb. I have been asked to track my ovulation because after all my losses I feel screwed up inside my cycle has changed. I just finished my period so I will be starting Ina few days. After having my scare on The 17th of this month because in was 2 weeks late and having a dull steady ache and pressure on my right side were my Ectopic was at my Obgyn had me get a STAT Beta Quant blood test luckily it was negative but I felt so sad took me a long time to find my happy place again. I knew inside that part of me wanted to be pregnant and yet it gave me anxiety because I haven't felt more like a ticking time bomb until now where my tube could go BOOM and I would be fighting for my life and feeling selfish for once again choosing between my life and my child life. I want it so bad but for some reason I have troubles keeping my pregnancy. Some have asked if Bentley sperm need to be tested but we know he isn't the issue. I am the issue I'm the one that is broken and we just don't know why blood tests come back good. I know my daughter is a miracle it took us 3years to convince her and she stuck maybe its cause she is so darn stubborn that's why, I am so blessed and grateful she is ours. I am keeping my fingers cross that everything will be all right when the time comes. Thank you for those ppl that have told me I Amazing I am  I don't know why you guys think that but it helped me a lot, more than you ever know!

Our very short vacation to the mountains we go.

Its been two days since we have been back from our very short vacation and trust me those two days of not being in Utah were the best 2 days of my life. I love being in Idaho and especially up at my familys cabin for lots of reasons. This time there was a lot of snow on the ground and usually we go up in the summer and seeing it in the winter is so breathtaking beautiful that it just takes your breath away. Don't get me wrong it does in the summer time to, just something about the mountains being covered in snow all you see is white, and Idaho is unique in its self. We got together has a family and cleaned the snow off the roof of our family cabin. I love getting away from technology and being with family makes it better. Danika climbed the ladder to the roof all by herself and then her and dad and most of everyone jumped or slide off the roof it was a blast. Being able to jump off is a scary thing its like in life you must take a leap a leap of faith that everything will be great and something will be there to catch you when you fall. You may not be able to know what is going to catch you but something always does. I loved watching Danika interact with Ridge and  Brinley it took her a few mins to warm up but she had fun playing trucks with Ridge. Then I picked up some new mascara to help my lashes and so far i'm in love with the results. I loved talking with my aunt and uncle and cousins I love seeing them and i'm very blessed that I get along with them. The mountains will always call our name, we love being in them.

Having Courage to conquer fear

One of the definition of Fear is something that causes feelings of dread or apprehension; something a person is afraid of. I am afraid of getting pregnant I am afraid to see

the pink positive signs on a pregnancy test, i'm afraid to see blood. Fear that I might lose my baby again,

though I want to have another baby. I would like to have a boy but I would love another girl just as much as a boy. Though this is hard I have to channel my fear 

into courage. Courage is doing what i'm afraid of to do, there can be no courage

 unless your scared. I know that there might be lots of tears in this decision, I

even know that through my pregnancy there can be complications, there can be nightmares and things that can haunt me, and a gut wrenching feeling that something will might be wrong. I will have the courage to keep trying even when fear is in my thoughts. I know that no matter whatI am given I can go through it that I am a strong person and is surrounded by some people that love me. Fear will not conquer me I will conquer fear!!!! Because I want this more than anything even through the tears I will be smiling.

How I can see from what i'm doing in my job that reflects back on me.

Last week Lisa and I saved someone's life by just a simple blood draw, it is amazing how you feel after that. Sure its just a simple blood draw when someone is on coumadin they have to be watched regularly to make sure the blood isn't to thick or to thin there are two ways to do it. The first way is to draw it in a blue tube a sodium heparin tube the second is a device similar to a diabetes machine gives it to us right away when your in the coumadin clinic thats how it is done so that the doctor can adjust your dose before you leave the office. The patient wasn't registering on the machine we kept getting errors and so finally we drew their blood and sent it stat. They were also sick at this time when the results came back they had to go back to hospital and they had been bleeding internally. The doctor came and thank us for our decisions to draw it and it stat. This week they came back and we talked for awhile about how thankful they were to be alive and they thanked us again. They told us how scary it was and I told them I had gone through the same thing about a year ago but a tubal pregnancy instead and we both felt very lucky to be alive with our familys today. I have this knack for remembering people I don't know how I am like that but one person was really sick I took a lot of blood from the blood culture bottles plus lots of tubes. Yesterday they looked so much better I recapped everything that had happened that day they were surprised on how much I had remember about them. We get mission letters every monday this week ours was about looking back at the things we had done when we were little and we can remember doing certain things and that put us to where we are today in life in our jobs. I loved helping people and making them feel special and loved and as I got older I wanted to help them feel better. I get to have great people that I get to meet and learn lots about their life the happy parts and the sad parts but it makes you just feel so great. They usually leave with a big smile on their face. I love what I do and I love being there to help find out what is wrong with them.